Written by The Walkers
Keep the questions coming. They love answering.
I’m a guy in my mid-20s, and I recently started ‘talking’ to a girl I met out. I really want to see if this could work with her, but there is one thing that keeps holding me back: She has a lot of male friends who she spends significant amounts of time with., i.e., they have sleep overs, get dinner and go for movies. She says they’re just friends, but I’m not sure if that’s a red flag for a possible relationship. Thoughts?
Question #1: What is ‘just friends‘ anyway?
Mrs. W: To me, this is a red flag. It is hard to change a person, and even harder to ask her to dump all of her friends. If you really like her, I would suggest having a conversation with her and just letting her know that if you two continue to date and get more serious in the future, that sleepovers will be an issue. All you can really do is be honest with your feelings and see what she says. If she gets super defensive and states nothing will change, I don’t think you should waste your time. You need o be honest with yourself and think about what you want to put up with and what you don’t. There are plenty of girls out there who don’t have sleepovers with their adult guy friends!
Mr. W: It is great that you are evaluating these aspects of your potential partner before getting too deep into the relationship. While it is possible to maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex, this can be quite challenging in reality. You really need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you, as it will take a lot of trust and understanding from you to make this relationship work. The fact that you are already expressing doubts means that this is something that you should carefully consider. If in the end you decide that you can trust she has purely platonic intentions, are you comfortable with the idea that her guy-friends motives may not be? Think about it, and don’t try to change her ways. There is nothing wrong with you deciding that this lifestyle isn’t something you can get on board with. On the other hand, if you are comfortable with that behaviour continuing throughout your relationship, and you two are otherwise a good match, then dive on in!
Dear Mr. & Mrs.Walker,
There is no pretty way to say this, so here it is: Sex is painful for me! I’m not sure if it’s a medical problem or what, but any form of penetration is extremely painful, and I don’t get any pleasure from it. So, when I’m in the bedroom, I prefer to be a ‘giver’ and try to appease any partners’ needs instead of focusing on mine. Is this wrong? I never tell my partners about sex being painful, but I worry that they are going to know something is up!
Question #2: Painful penetration.
Mrs. W: This is totally wrong! You need to be enjoying sex just as much as your partner! Are you aware of ‘pre-heating the oven’, making sure you are wet and ready to go before penetration? Aside from that, I think you should schedule a visit with your doctor. There could be plenty of medical reasons why sex hurts so much. It could be a simple issue that is totally fixable. There is no need to live like this! You are supposed to give and take, not just give!
Mr. W: It sounds like you are in quite an uncomfortable situation. First, you should always try to open up for your partners about what feels good and what doesn’t. I know this can be difficult, and that you must worry about chasing away a potential partner. Really though, it is better to nip things in the bud and filter out the guys that won’t be a match for you sexually. No matter what you do, unless a guy is totally self-involved, he is going to notice that you are in pain down there, so you may as well communicate. Aside from the relationship aspects of this, there are some things that you can do on your own to figure this all out. You mentioned not be sure if this has a medical cause, which is definitely something you should investigate. There are many treatable conditions (such as vaginismus), that can cause painful intercourse, so you shouldn’t give up on enjoying penetration just yet! I recommend talking to a medical professional or sex therapist about what you are experiences, and they may be able to help. If this ends up being an untreatable condition, remember that there is nothing wrong with preferring to be the ‘giver’. You just need to find a guy that is a match for you, and start communicating what feels good and what doesn’t, so you can both have a satisfying sex life.
Dear Mr. & Mrs.Walker,
I went on a date with a guy recently, and while I thought the chemistry was there, he kept talking about problems he had with his ex-girlfriend. I’m not looking for a committed relationship at the moment, but I was hoping the two of us could have some fun. Do you think there is a warning sign that I’m not seeing?
Question #3: I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes…
Mrs. W: It is great the this guy knows what went wrong in his last relationship, but not so great that he keeps talking about his ex. To me, he seems still hung up on his ex, which isn’t great, but it depends on what you’re looking for. If you are just looking to have some fun, then stick it out a little longer and see where it goes. If you are looking for something more serious or a relationship, you may want to give this guy some time to get over his ex. You don’t want to be anyone’s rebound or filler until he gets his ex back!
Mr. W: I can understand how your guy talking about his ex could put a damper on the fun you are seeking. Keep in mind that committed relationships often evolve out of situations where one or both partners are just looking for casual fun, so it is still important to consider what you are observing. When he talks about the problems with his ex, is it all about what she did wrong? You might as well take this opportunity to ask him some questions, and see if he is capable of acknowledging things that he did to make that relationship less than ideal. Unfortunately, some guys have acquired the misconception that talking about how bad an ex is, will somehow make you feel more special. He may cut it out completely if you let him know that this is turning you off. If he doesn’t respect that you’d rather not hear him blather on about his ex, then I would interpret that as a warning sign that he is more focused on his own needs than on considering yours.
Dear Mr. & Mrs.Walker,
I’m not sure if it’s ever appropriate to talk about this, but this is something that has been bothering me about a new girlfriend that I need to discuss. We’ve been out 5-6 times, and she never offers to spit the bill! I’m a gentleman and am happy to pick up the tab, but it weirds me out that she never even offers. Is this just me being picky?
Question #4: Should we go dutch?
Mrs. W: I don’t think that it’s wrong or picky of you to want to split a bill or be treated out now and then. However, there is not much you can do about it, besides find someone who is a little more like minded. Someone who doesn’t mind treating you to a round of beer or a movie some time. You can try saying something like, “do you mind if we split this one?”, and see how she reacts, but she will more likely spin it into you being the cheap-o!
Mr. W: Some women are old-fashioned when it comes to dating and splitting the bill. It is okay to be picky when you’re dating. Even if the sex is great, if you aren’t being picky outside the bedroom while dating, then you can find yourself years deep into a relationship with someone who just dines’t match you well. That doesn’t mean that one of you is wrong and one of you is right. It just means that you either match up in that regard, or you don’t. You can’t be happy to pick up the tab and feel weird about it at the same time. You’ve got to be honest with yourself about your true feelings, and make your decision from there. In any relationship, you are going to have aspects where you match articulatory well, and not so much in others. Money is one of the hardest things to talk about, but it is also one of the most important. when the time is right, you should start to open up the conversation and find out if you two have compatible views on how finances of the relationship should operate.
Dear Mr. & Mrs.Walker,
You guys have suggested the use of lube in a few of your previous answers. I like the idea, but is there a sexy way of saying, “can we use lube?”. I recently brought it up with a partner, and he was kind of surprised that I had a tube of lube already. It made me feel not normal!
Question #5: Slippery when wet.
Mrs. W: Hmm…this is a toughie! I can’t really think of a sexy way of saying, “can we use lube”, but maybe there is a sexy way of suggesting it. Try putting some lube in your hand and stroking his cock with it and maybe add a little dirty talk while you’re at it, saying something like, “I can’t wait to feel you inside of me” or “I’m going to ride you so hard”. You can also tell him before or after how good it feels when you use lube and how much more fun it can be. Some guys think if you need to use lube, that they can’t get you wet enough, but that’s not always the case! Sometimes it really is just more fun! ?
Mr. W: I definitely see where you are coming form here. Bringing up lube definitely has a way of breaking the moment, and can be surprising for new partners. Even still, brining lube into the picture shouldn’t kill the mood any more that asking for him to put on a condom. If you want to introduce it smoothly, wait until you are at the point where he is about to put it in, and say something like “just a second”. Make sure you have the lube somewhere close by, and don’t actually ask him if you can use it. You shouldn’t ask a question with an obvious answer, and any respectful guy is not going to say ‘no’ to using lube. Instead, just silently grab the tube and start rubbing some on him and on yourself. Look into his eyes and make a bit of a show out of it while you stroke him. That way, you’ll have him right back where you left off. And remember, guys are turned on by confident women, and it isn’t necessarily bad to spurs a guy in the bedroom!