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Submarining

Submarining

Written by Natasha Lawrence

You have ghosting, breadcrumbing, cat fishing, cuffing season…and on and on and on. We’d like to add one more term to your Urban Dictionary of Dating – A term many of you may know already, but one that was just learnt at TS HQ. Submarining: The act of when someone whom you’ve been romantic with, disappears (like ghosting), but then resurfaces with no apology or explanation of their disappearance. It’s like dating wasn’t hard enough.

I recently learned of submarining through a guy, Tom*, who claimed we were doing it to each other. You see, Tom and I went on 2 dates. There was mild interest on my part; the conversation was dull, but there was some underlying chemistry. After date number two, I filed him under “MISS” and moved on. A couple nights later, Tom messaged me, and being the polite Canadian I am, I responded. We texted late into the night, but once I fell asleep, I stopped replying. When I woke up in the morning, I simply didn’t feel like carrying on the conversation. Fast forward to drinks with friends a couple weeks later, when I drunk texted Tom. Amateur move on my part. Tom replied immediately, and then again, our conversation died off. The next time we texted a month or so later, it was Tom messaging to see what’s new. This continued, and honestly still continues today. It was soon after we developed our pattern of non-committal texting that Tom called our ‘relationship’ what it was: We were submarining each other.

After Tom brought the term to my attention, I thought about another relationship of mine that follows the pattern. This relationship is with a guy I met while traveling abroad. Yes, one of those cliche vacation romances. With no plans to return to Ian’s* home country, and with him not having plans to visit mine, we developed a texting relationship exactly like mine and Toms. We’d fall off the map, then spend a day or two of feverish texting, and then fall off again. Only, unlike Tom, Ian has yet to call us out on it, or give what we’re doing a name.

This whole act of submarining would normally make me feel icky, but what I don’t mind in both of these instances, is that both parties are doing it. It’s not one sided. I’m not being tortured by a boy who I hope will one day turn around and claim ‘he didn’t want a relationship then, but is ready for one now’. And, I feel like I haven’t been giving out any vibes that say that these relationships are more than what they are – conversations on lonely nights with someone who finds you attractive.

 

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