Written by The Walkers
You ask. They answer.
I constantly read that you have to “put yourself out there” in order to actively participate in a dating life. I’ve had friends tell me to try dating outside my type and be open to date requests that come my way. I like to think I put myself out there, in the sense that I constantly work in coffee shops, I got to a co-ed gym 3 times a week, and I try to keep my phone in my handbag when out in public. However, I don’t think I’ve ever been approached by a stranger looking for a date! I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong?! I consider myself to be attractive, but I never seem to get any offers that I’m supposed to be taking up. Do you have any suggestions for upping my chances?
Question #1: But like, how far out there?
Mrs. W: Sounds like you’re off to a good start. My advice would be to make sure your demeanour is inviting and welcoming. Have open body language, avoid having resting bitch face, and when a person does approach you, keep an open conversation. Also, remember that life isn’t a romantic comedy. I am not sure how often girls get approached with a corny one-liner, followed by a dinner invitation. If you see someone that catches your eye, you might have to approach them, and start a conversation. Let them know you’re interested, then maybe they’ll follow-up by asking for your number or out on a date.
Mr. W: It sounds like you’re doing all of the right things to be open to new opportunities. That’s great! Having that mentality is probably more than half of the battle. One thing that might work for you is to try signing up for some activities that have a social aspect to them. By choosing an activity that you actually enjoy doing, you automatically set yourself up to find new people with shared interests. Social activities can be anything from improv classes to hiking groups, but you’ll have a better idea of what matches your personality and what you are looking for. Maybe you won’t meet your next partner in these activities, but you will probably make a whole new group of friends who may have single friends they think are just right for you. In my opinion, making new friends is always the best way to start because you don’t have any immediate expectations for anything deeper, so things can unfold more naturally. Also, if you end up getting set up with someone by one of your new friends, it is always nice to have someone who has known your future partner for a while. That way, you can have a pretty good idea of what this person is like when they aren’t acting out the role of perfect partner on your first dates.
I was ‘talking’ to a guy for a little over 6 months before he ghosted me out of the blue. Our last conversation was not something out of the ordinary, so it was all very confusing when he stopped answering my messages. But, he still watches all of my Snapchat stories and likes all of my Instagrams. What does it mean? I’m so confused!
Question #2: The vanishing act.
Mrs. W: My advice is to forget about this guy. Sorry to say, but he seems like he’s not that interested, but is keeping you on the back burner. Maybe he’s already in another relationship. Either way, he’s not worth your time and worry. He had his chance with you, and now it’s time to move on. His loss.
Mr. W: That’s too bad that you invested half a year in someone who would be so ruthless as to just cut off communication without any explanation. To make matters worse, he’s still stalking you on your social networks? That’s both creepy and obnoxious, in my opinion. I suppose that the silver lining is that you found this out relatively early in your involvement with him. Some guys wait a long time before shutting down and stepping out. I am assuming that he has been creeping your profile without returning your texts for a while now, in which case, I would recommend just moving on. I wouldn’t want to invest too much of myself in somebody who can be so off and on without warning or reason. It is only my advice, but it sounds like you can find somebody better for you. Happy hunting! 😊
Mr. & Mrs.Walker,
I’m really curious about sex toys. I’ve never used one before (including a vibrator), but I’m interested in introducing them into the bedroom. Do you have any ideas on how to go about this without scaring off my significant other? And what products should I introduce first?
Question #3: Tentative about toys.
Mrs. W: It always feels awkward being the one in the relationship to bring up the topic of sex toys, but have no fear! Introducing the topic is usually the hardest part. Once it is out in the open, it is usually smooth sailing, as long as you both are generally on the same page. I would bring up the topic by asking your partner if they had any experience with toys in the bedroom before and if they would be into trying some out with you. Next, I would suggest going to a sex store together and seeing what catches your eyes. You might be surprised at what you pick out. It’s hard for me to suggest something so personal – everyone likes something different – however, maybe some less intimidating toys might be a good place to start. Vibrators (instead of a dildo), chocolate body paint, and a light whip could all be a fun introduction to sex toys.
Mr. W: Bringing toys into the bedroom can be a lot of fun, but the idea can also make some people squirm. It is a good idea to not be too pushy when it comes to introducing anything into your routine, and toys are no exception. Since you say that you have never used a toy before, I would recommend buying one to try out on your own first. This may just bring more confidence to the situation when you actually take it out in the bedroom. If you’d rather take the journey with your partner, that is totally fine as well. How you approach this somewhat depends on whether you want to use the toy on yourself or on your partner. Either way, start small. If you want to introduce a vibrator, try one of those little pill-shaped vibes. You could talk about it beforehand, but somethings can be sexier when they are just brought into the bedroom mid-session. How you play this one definitely depends on your relationship dynamic, and what your partner is like. If your significant other is the type that is uncomfortable with surprises, then definitely talk it out. Be open in your discussion, and don’t judge or pressure if it is uncomfortable for your partner. Sometimes, these things take time to digest. If being caught off guard is a source of excitement for you both, then just wait until things are heated up, then bring your vibrator (or whatever toy you decide to start off with) out, and ask “Mind if we try this tonight?”. If things get awkward after that, play it cool and just put it off to the side and turn your focus to your partner’s pleasure for a bit.
Years ago, I read, He’s Just Not That Into You, and since then, I’ve become such a cynic when it comes to relationships and dating. The book states that if a guy is interested in you, he will come after you, no matter what. I find in my dating life, this doesn’t happen all that often. That being said, I also don’t put a lot of effort in, because I am waiting for the guy to make those moves the book stated he would if he actually liked me. Am I wrong? Is this viewpoint wrong?
Question #4: But, how do I really know if he’s just not that into me?
Mrs. W: I do love that book and the message that it sent out to women. I am a strong believer in the idea that if he is interested in you, he will pursue you, and you shouldn’t have to chase a guy too much. That being said, the girl still has to put in some effort. Guys like to know when they aren’t making a fool of themselves, and that the girl is into them as well. You have to meet him half way. If he’s showing interest in you, let him know you like him too. A little encouragement never hurt anyone. Unfortunately, life isn’t a movie, and the perfect guy isn’t going to pop out of nowhere and chase you around without a little encouragement.
Mr. W: There is definitely merit to what that mentality brings to the table. You want to asses your situation to see if your guy is really interested in pursuing you, and creating a deeper relationship with you. At the same time, this doesn’t give you license to just sit back and do nothing to show a guy that you are interested in him. Guys do like a challenge, but they also like the warmth of a receptive partner that reflects their level of interest. I think that any time one partner is more involved in the relationship than the other, it tilts the scales and creates strain. Ideally, you find a guy who is just as into you as you are into him, and both of you freely express that as much as you can without making each other and the people around you nauseous. You are definitely already in a good place moving forward, because you already recognize that you don’t put a lot of effort into seeming interested in the guy, and this is going to benefit you in changing the way that you approach relationship. Having said all this, don’t go and settle for some guy who’s just not into you…Just make sure he knows that you’re into him as well.